Monday, July 20, 2015

12 Steps to Sobriety

Warning - Typos and Lauguage. Cause that's how I roll.

I've been a diet coke addict since 1999. Weight Watchers got me hooked. Back in the days when I was regularly whipping up equal parts butter and caster sugar as a mid-morning snack in my newly acquired bachelorette pad, it wasn't long before I clipped my "Save $33 registration fee!!" coupon from my That's Life and found myself joining the dreaded weigh-in queue.

That was around the time when the "points" system was in. It made everything easy. 20points a day to lose weight. Get a few extra if you exercise, lose a few when you dropped weight, store a few for the weekend = easy. All vegies bar potatoes and corn were 0 points, pies were 13points, 5 chicos for 1, Crunchies 7, Fillet of Fish no cheese 6, Small Maccas chips 4,  --- you can see how well this worked for me. (yes.. I consistently ate Salad, selected fast food products, chocolate and lollies nearly the ENTIRE time I was on the program.)
But you know what else was 0??

Diet Drinks.. 
Diet Jelly.. 

And thus began the relationship. I wanted to drop weight, i hated exercise, i still wanted my lollies, I liked salad but I was so hungry all.the.damn.fricken.time. So I'd have a glass of DC to get a sugar fix and tie me over till the next meal. And when i say glass I mean those kinds of glasses/buckets that Irish Larger is served in at fancy bars - those extra mo-fo big ones - hell yes I'm thirsty and hungry as hell and have you seen the size of me?!?! Godammit barwoman just give me the damn gun and I'll top myself up!

And so it began. IT wasn't CRAZY amounts to begin with. Just a glass every 2nd or 3rd day. I started having kids and never once looked at my spectacular icy cold bevvy as anything more than my version of coffee. By the time I was onto my 3rd child, it was well established that I was a DC addict within my playgroup circle. Coffee dates would happen at freinds houses and the ones who loved me best, would have a bottle ready to go. And even though i always said jokingly "oh no! I brought my own I don't expect you to support my habit!" - I totally loved you a little bit more if you did :D Although not the time you gave me the off ones 6 months out of date Shelley - they tasted like ass= love died a little that day.

Yes - OFF DC.. I bet some of you don't even know DC can go off right? Well It can. But do you know my palette got so refined I could tell if it was a fresh batch, out of date, out of a can, bottle, glass or a few months off expiring? And do not even get me FREAKING started on the intricacies of a perfectly balanced post mix blend.. JEEEEEESUS how hard can it be?! Wine Sommeliers be jealous - you couldn't dream of competing with my pallet. #EffinSkills

And speaking of Post mix.... Subway.... (cue the heavenly music and a burst of rainbows and butterflies!) Subway,, I want you to know that the impact of this break up with DC has affected our relationship in the most devastating way. Where once I used to bust through the door, bypass the queue, ignoring the- "that bitch pushed in!!" looks whilst I sashayed up to the register to cooly declare- "Just a large Diet Coke" please,, I'm now faced with looking forlornly at your large-handled push doors as I sadly walk on by. You had the biggest drink in town. And it was always the perfect blend. It's you who I miss the most. And I can't hear the jingle "Subway eat fresh!" without thinking of our jingle "Subway drink a Fuckload have to pee in 20mins!"... I miss you.. Wasn't it goooood?.. Wasn't it fiiiine?....

I miss my DC with my omelettes. Because a 3 egg, spinach, mushroom, tomato, cheese, garlic, spanish onion sometimes ham omelette just tastes-- well -- lonely without my 570ml beer stein DC to wash it down. And I miss DC with my dinner. Because every dinner was made better with my icy liquid which always paired well with both red and white meat. #versatile.  And I miss DC when I go out to a restaurant. Because no matter what shoes I have on and what kick-ass outfit, I now feel boring as all hell when i say "Oh,, just a water with a slice of lemon oh my god I want to cry of boredom kill me now and the peeing that goes with this water fuuuuuuck!!!"
Look for the Glass.. It's there in it's 570ml glory..

I do like to play a cool game though these days in my post-addict-water-increased-toilet-paper-purchasing-world. I like to play - "Let's go back through Christie's 900+ facebook photos and count the DC cans/bottles/glasses in the frame!" game. Kinda like a Where's Wally - only featuring liquid poison in a can as opposed to badly dressed harmless characters! Every time I see one in a pic - I want one.                                                                                              
Which brings me to my next thing. I want one. Long time advocates of my separation are always keen to know "how do you feel!?!" which is always said with a loveable Christmas look - you know? the mixture of admiration/excitement/curiousness and anticipation!!! Well GUESS WHAT!!!?!!

"No different and tired as fuck" 

Is the sad truth of my completely honest answer. I feel no different. I don't feel like my insides have been cleansed, Oh shit that reminds me I forgot to shower - right! On it after this.... My skin isn't freaking brighter god dammit. I still get blackheads! My hair is still grey, I still have bad breath in the mornings, I've got this one funky back hair that---. So yeah - No. Discernible. Health. Amazing. Benefit. Feelings. At. All. #rippedfreakinOFF! 

And not only do I NOT feel like a 19 year old on the inside now, thanks to my now non-existent caffeine levels compared to my "Averaging 22 cups of coffee a day equivalent caffeine intake" I am batshit tired All.The.TIME.. So, to counteract that,, I have taken up drinking normal tea and (gulp)- freaking flower tea. I swear want to write myself a death threat for being such a lame ass flavoured water drinker. How did I GET HERE?!???  Oh But remember my dear readers -  I'm already drinking Water,Water & Lime thanks,, Water Water and lemon just water water as well.  So the toilet paper consumption is frankly,, just fucking ridiculous.. I have now swapped my guilt about secretly drinking 3L of DC a day to fairdinkim guilt about the amount of cut down trees being flushed down my pipes. #howdidIGEThere?!!

LAstly, I really don't know how I did get here. My 12year old caught me out in the end. Turns out everyones a freaking math genius around here and loves to add. So she's at the bin, counting the bottles and looks up aghast and says- 
"Mum - did you drink all this today?..." 
(my teeny tiny inner voice of self loathing- yes..)  
"What!? Oh, I dunno, I had a friend over, um some was flat, I dropped a glass and yeah no.."  
"Mum. That's 5 Litres." 
(cue the youtube video of the Atom bomb exploding) (has an "" moment)
"What are you doing up here - When did you last practice Flute huh!?! Go clean your room!"

And that was it. 5 weeks since cold turkey. There were headaches, cravings, shakes, head spins and the yearning - oh man the yearning NEVER STOPS. 


1 comment:

  1. Proud as shit of you, Marschke. A solid effort!!