Again an oldie, written just after my awesome friend Jelly's 30th birthday...
So many of you may know that I went to a day spa about a month ago, to surprise my best mate on her 30th… A naked day spa. Like - you know those ones that you see on TV with all these “I’m so comfortable with my body I bare it to everyone” kinda women in them, all very equally naked? The scenes where white towels and steam are everywhere and your choice of “ginger-tofu and a hint of god-knows-what-else” scented exfoliating cream?? And licorice tea? I shit you not… Cause EVERYONE, at one stage, whilst sucking on a licorice strap has thought to themselves - “Gee, wouldn’t it be awesome if you melted this stuff down and like, infused it with some Earl-Grey and then,,, added soy milk!” Mmmmmm…
So anyway, there I was in the change room, at the all-naked- we-are-all-at-one-with-our-body, trendy day spa and I thinking “oh my bloody god.” My hands were shaking and even though I’d previously had 4 weeks of starving and denying natures only good food group - the saturated chocolates and pastries group,, it was down to this choice - take it all off or be a sulk??....
I absolutely sulked it. I left my little singlet on, and my black knickers which covered my whole butt and a good 2 inches of my top leg, sucked my stomach in and headed out to climb into the spa to join the birthday girl who incidentally, had not sulked it and was wearing only her birthday suit… Most of her friends however had also sulked it and this somewhat surprised me as some of them had wayyyy better assets than me (from what I could see even if it was under a bikini top!)
Now the birthday spa got better when the champagne came out and I had my very first virgin glass,, then my second, and mabe even a 3rd or 4th but hey, by then who can count when you’re trying so hard to stay upright on a chair and remember finer details such as “no dips on the platter and licorice tea” for later, sober, blog writing times.. We grew rowdier and the spa attendants had to tell us to shush due to people having weird karmasutra-sounding-like “treatments.” It was somewhere coming back from the drinky room, on route to the sauna room, where I decided that i was gonna get at least semi-naked. So we sauna-ed and i found out that neck rests look a lot like booster seats when you’re a bit pissed and that if one adds water to the coals, no matter how pretty the steam is, the room gets hotter.. Bad drunken girl.. Who let her into the sauna!?!
And with that, it was onto the steam room.. So we sat around and started the - “Oh you’re legs are great, oh you look great for 3 kids, oh no the pubic afro is totally IN!” talk and I became overwhelmed to get my gear off - the top at least - and I’d like to think it was the alcohol in me that peer pressured the others to get their tops off too but it may have been also my fondness for perving at boobs… (kidding!!! I promise!!) And by the grace of peer pressue, alcohol and perhaps other people quests to see boobies too,, almost all of us, got our shirts off and out tits out!!!
And so we sat there and were liberated!! (or maybe that Ceremonial Trumpeting Music was only playing in my head?!) There were all these childless firm boobies and big ones and even BIGGER ones and smaller ones and then we all got talking about who wanted theirs to be more north (um.. me!?!), more centered (oh look at that - me again!), bigger (well it’s a fricken HAT trick now!), smaller boobs, bigger nipples, pierced nipples, pinker/darker/smaller!!! Now I KNOW why those bimbos do those “Girls Gone Wild” shows!! - cause getting your top off and being at one with the “sisterhood” is SO MUCH FRICKEN FUN!!!! Next time, I’m having like - 5 glasses of champagne and gettin it all ORF!! Woo Woo!
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