Tuesday, July 20, 2010

My name is Christie and I am a binge-a-holic...

Intresting to note that I originally wrote this in 2008 yet it could have been last week.. THe never-ending quest to fit into the skinny jeans... Or even the semi-stretch ones. Or just the size 14...

I am.. It’s true.. From as far back as I remember, I was sneaking into the cupboard, armed with the huge tablespoon that we used for every quality bake, and hoeing into the Milo, the drinking chocolate, the Quik and on one disarming occasion, the fricken coca… yuk factor of 1001!

Franklins was the supermarket of choice back then.. They made exceptionally horrible imitations of Kit Kats which my poor savings-conscious mama believed was “just a good as the real ones” and thus, planted them into our lunchboxes everyday - to go neatly with the No Frills potato chips, soggy ham and lettuce sanga and cream bun.. I ate those pretend things by the hundreds, each time trying to fill the void of what I new REAL ones tasted like...

I started cooking when I was around 8. By then I had figured out that the only way to get the biggest lick of the spoon, was AFTER you’d just brewed up a fresh lot of cupcake batter which for most, would normally make 12 but for us - usually offered 8.. Mama had these Pyrex white mixing bowls with orange and khaki retro patterned strips.. There were 3, but the smallest one was my fave.. I knew that I could chuck in a sizable mound of caster sugar, slap some butter in and mix it up for 30secs and you had it - heaven in a bowl that you could hide behind your Enid Blyton book, on the stealth trip back to the sanctuary of my room.. I have eaten so much batter, dough, cake mix, pecans, choc bits, butter mix, caramel and cream in my life; consumed so much compound cooking chocolate that it’s quite possible I have supported, through college, the child in the Chinese factory who started brewing it so many years ago (“No Frills” was the birth of the Made in China food product) ...

Prior to the cooking, I’d been nicking money out of the oldies wallets for ages. $2 notes -currency of choice -and that would get me a Chrunchie, Crunch, 4 freddos and at least a bag of 50c lollies, as big as an orange! I’d ride into the local shop, spend in all, have a crunchie half hangin out of my gob, as I pedalled the way to school. Upon arrival, I’d usually down the rest of the stuff and plot out how to best avoid the upcoming PE class.. 1988 saw the end of my light-fingered ways as I watched my mum give away our expo tickets as punishment.. bitch…

It’s easy when you’re a teenager to eat what you like but even then, I knew I had to watch it and unfortunately, failed many times. Since I started paying attention at about 16, I’ve been up and down the sizes, ever grateful that I’m tall so nobody would notice too much. Bloody husbands and flatmates have interfered with my bingey ways and on many occasions, I’ve turned to stuffing wrappers of those stupidly- too- tiny- milky- ways- that- you -get- in- the- bulk- pack, down the side of the couch. I usually find them when I’m in search of the beeper or a pen and quickly throw them out but I’ve been caught a few times… Although, I’ve found in recent years that kids have another name now - scapegoats..

At restaurants, I feel the need to eat everything. I mean EVERYTHING.. I’m not above reaching over and helping stevo eat everything too. I have had to tip my glass into my plate to stop eating the last 1/2 kg of the most fantastic bloody chocolate mud cake eva!!

So I’ve got the last 4kgs of my 29kgs to lose - the scales were good to me this morning so I rewarded them with a clean, polish, and the promise to not plonk my fat ass back on there until tomorrow. Again, another day of being good but there were these bloody blue snakes left. I buy packets of snakes cause I only like the red ones. I do this so I wont binge the whole packet. BUT - if I HAVE to, I’ll eat the yellow ones. Then the orange..For it to get to the green and blue ones, I have to be desperate.. Turns out this morning I was very very very bloody desperate. I circled them for a good 17mins, back and forth into the kitchen, open shut open shut what can I have what can I HAVE DAMMIT!!?! And there they were, cozily nestled together just beckoning gently to me... And ever so gently, into the hatch and chew chew chew.. "Mmmm sweet,, chewy,, ewe lime flaovour sucks ass but it feels sooooo good to have a snake in my mouth" but then, with the self help power of ghosts of former fat shows, I remembered the greater cause and chewed some more, chew chew chew chew, suck suck SUCKING DAMMIT every last bit of flavour out of them and then..... QUICKLY OPENED THE BIN, OPENED MY MOUTH AND LET THEM FALL IN!!!!

It’s official - I am a BINGER and I have LOST MY FRICKEN MIND!!!!!! Have I really become one of those freaks who chews and spits?!? I googled it - there's no official name yet but I've come up with chewexpellsanervosia - if nothing else, that's a hell of a scrabble word! But really, is this what it's come to for me?? I mean - I GAVE UP GOOD QUALITY SNAKES ALBEIT SHIT LIME ONES!!!!

Why write this you ask?? Some stupid biatch with no job, goes nowhere with 2 older children said to me yesterday “Oh you’re looking so good. Oh you’re so lucky, it just falls of you. I’ve got to lose a few but it’s so hard and I just don’t have the time to exercise. It’s easy when you’re young..” And I know I’m ranting but EASY! EASY???

I mean by the power of envoking of Lleyton Hewitt - CUMMMMOOOONNNNN!???????!!!!!!!! CUMMMMMFARKENON!!!!!!!!!!!???????!!!!!!

She can get stuffed - I’m not talking to her again stupid bitch. And I'm also going to make sure I wear something extra fabuolous next time I know I"m going to see her - she can go home and suck down a packet of Pizza Shapes to self-comiserate....

And now I’m going to bed, exceptionally proud that of the 47 Anzac biscuits that I brewed up tonight, I only ate two… (and the crusts that I cut off Ella’s peanut butter sanga.) Seems I've kept Chewexpellsanervosia at bay for another day..

pft!....easy?.....Buggar her, I'll gift wrap the damn box of Shapes.....


  1. Christie, we were clearly separated at birth, I am a binger from way back too! And used to use Mum's khaki and orange Tupperware bowls to make icing in similar proportions to yours while sneaking away to read!!!
    I also didn't have the "I'm tall" excuse but have always banked on the "Such big boobs, a bit of tub is to be expected!" lol
    And it's Kate Stirling, not that bloody Adam that owns Google it seems!

  2. We had the 3 size tupperware bowls but just the strange orange colour not with a nice kakhi combination. In fact - I think they're still in her cupboard somewhere!

    And at the risk of sounding like that bitch - you do look great. :)

    And just to share - my poison of choice is usually the nutella and spoon.

  3. Bahaha! Loved it!

    The Ethnic QUeen.